Archive | January 19, 2010

Trusting Myself

They say the night is darkest just before the dawn.  I don’t know if I buy that.  I’ve had enough sleepless nights to know that, yes things do get darker before dawn, but then the sky lightens.  I blame the darkness on nobody being on the streets at 4 am.

I know that I’m purposely obfuscating the meaning of the homely, but honestly, that’s how I think—in quite literal terms, and with twenty dollar words.

Maybe it’s just because things look so bleak now.  I feel worthless, no job, no husband or children, no life of my own.  I spend my days on the computer or watching TV.  There is no work.  My unemployment is running out.  I interview, and nobody calls me back.  I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know how much more darkness I can take.  I don’t know what to think that the glimmers of lights come when I’ve neglected my scripture study and prayer.

I was re-reading my blog posts from the past couple of days, and they made me cry.  I don’t know what I was feeling when I wrote them, or how I could have lost it so quickly.  Maybe that’s the real reason I need to blog, so I can remember those glimmers of light.

I’ve decided that I trust in God.  I don’t know if I trust in myself.  Maybe that’s the lesson that I need to learn through all of this, that I can be a worthwhile individual.  If I don’t believe it—and I don’t believe it, at least at this moment, how can anybody else.

I guess that’s why it’s a good thing that I have Max and Lulu.  They love me.  They think I’m worthwhile, not just (I hope) because I feed them and clean up their poop.  All I know is I’m having one of those days where if I didn’t have Max and Lulu, I wouldn’t get out of bed.

This is as much a freewrite as anything else.  I don’t have a purpose in writing this, except to write.  I don’t have a purpose in posting it, except to remind myself how I feel now.  I know I could keep a private journal or diary, but it’s easier for me to write if I think I might have an audience, even one as meager as my readership is right now.

I’ll be okay.  One of the things about me is that these spells very rarely last more than 24 hours, usually less if I’m caught up on my medication, which I am.

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