Archive | February 1, 2010

Living Liminally

I am a person who craves stability. I dislike change, especially when it’s not on my terms.  I think that’s why being unemployed has been so rough on me, my future is literally in the hands of others.  It wasn’t my idea to get laid off, and it certainly isn’t my idea if and when I get called in for interviews.  I hate the way I’m living now.

The thing is, I feel like this is a time of change big change for me, and I’m not just talking career-wise.  Events have unfolded in the past month or so, that speak of a future that I’m both excited for and terrified of.  If things work out the way I hope, then this could be the best thing for me.

Unfortunately, with the being scared of change thing, I’ve been running away from this potential change–I just don’t know how to handle it.

I know that I need to take control of my own life–that if I don’t direct my path then I won’t go anywhere–at least anywhere worth going.

I am not ashamed.

I was lying in bed trying to sleep a couple of nights ago, and the thought came to me, “I am not ashamed of who I am.”

I don’t know where this came from, it had nothing to do with what I was thinking about, but it was accompanied by a large boost of spiritual peace.  The more I thought about it, the more it’s true.

I’m not ashamed to be overweight.  I am not ashamed to have major depressive disorder.  I am not ashamed to be Mormon, I’m even not ashamed to be a Mormon who is struggling with activity in the Church.  I’m not ashamed of the weird, random stuff my skin does, especially in the winter.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was the purpose of the blog.  It’s to help me write everyday, true, but it’s also to let the world know that I am not ashamed.  I don’t think I have anything to be ashamed of.

More than anything, I think this is about my mental illness. I want people with mental illness to be able to hold their heads up high, and not to be ashamed of who and how they are (this might be hard for depressives, the nature of the disease make the head pretty heavy at times.)

And so, I’ll keep blogging.  The more of my darkness that I can share with the world, the less dark it becomes.  Someday, perhaps, it will be gone.

And I won’t have anything to be ashamed of.

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