I’m doing it again.
Why do I do this?
Today has been an amazing day. You know, after I got to sleep at about 5am and woke up at noon. I was productive, I got my house cleaned, I sent out more applications than I had in a long time, I wrote, I sketched, and I was happy. Crazy.
Then the sun went down. I sat down to relax, and turned on the TV. Some stupid commercial or something got my brain going in a direction I didn’t want it to go. I don’t even remember what flipped this switch, and that makes it ten times more frustrating.
I know nights are when things get bad. And I don’t know how to stop it.
I can’t stop wondering if I’m really good enough. If I’m really worth someone taking a chance on, for employment, for romance, even for friendship. All the stupid mistakes I’ve ever made are parading around in my head. Even this blog–my readership numbers have slowly but steadily been increasing lately, and I wonder if I can really write something that can keep readers coming back day after day–which is totally missing the point. This blog is a way for me to write, to get my creativity going, and to help me overcome this beast that is depression. If other’s find it helpful or entertaining, than that’s a bonus. Or it should be.
Logically, I know that my self-worth is all about how I see myself and how God sees me. At the end of the day, as long as I know I’ve done everything I can to be a good person, and I’m square with the Lord, then it doesn’t matter what other people think of me.
I know that. I feel like I’ve always known that. At least in my head.
I don’t know how to convince my heart.
Huh. Spell check doesn’t like the word “epicness”. Neither does dictionary.com.
So I’m falling into what has already become an old trap, even though The Storyteller Chronicles is a little over three months old. I can’t sleep, so I’m updating my blog at 3am. Fortunately, I’m in a good mood, so this isn’t going to be an uber-depressed post.
It is going to be a post showing off my dad and my nephew.
So, here’s the thing. My dad had a birthday about a month ago. Me, being the poor/cheap/lazy daughter that I am, neglected to get him a gift.
I was shopping at Michael’s Arts and Crafts for…idunno, candles, or art supplies or something, and I saw these awesome foam swords. I of course, thought of G. Then, I thought about my budget, and couldn’t justify buying them for him without a reason. I then remembered that I owed my dad a birthday gift, and he’s the one that G likes to sword fight with, so Dad got the swords.
Seriously, the best money I ever spent. By the end of the day, I was laughing so hard, I had a headache.
I took some great video, then edited it together. I mean, uh, I carefully choreographed the action to fit with my chosen music selection, then spent a great deal of time carefully putting everything together. I in no way just spliced a bunch of film together, then grabbed my Best Classic 100 volume 2 CD set, chose the disk labeled “Spectacular Classics”, then chose the first song I came upon that could logically go with a sword fight (#5, Muggorsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition: The Hut on Fowl’s Legs), to have it coincidentally fit almost perfectly with the random scenes I had shot earlier in the day. Yeah. Nothing like that happened at all.
So, I like to think that I’m fairly tech savvy, but YouTube kicked my butt with this. I thought it wasn’t uploading, when in reality, it just wasn’t automatically going to the screen that told me it had uploaded. I ended up putting like six versions of the video on YouTube before I figured it out, and took five of them down.
Yeah, I’m smart like that…