I’m doing it again.

Why do I do this?

Today has been an amazing day.  You know, after I got to sleep at about 5am and woke up at noon.  I was productive, I got my house cleaned, I sent out more applications than I had in a long time, I wrote, I sketched, and I was happy.  Crazy.

Then the sun went down.  I sat down to relax, and turned on the TV.  Some stupid commercial or something got my brain going in a direction I didn’t want it to go.  I don’t even remember what flipped this switch, and that makes it ten times more frustrating.

I know nights are when things get bad.  And I don’t know how to stop it.

I can’t stop wondering if I’m really good enough.  If I’m really worth someone taking a chance on, for employment, for romance, even for friendship.  All the stupid mistakes I’ve ever made are parading around in my head. Even this blog–my readership numbers have slowly but steadily been increasing lately, and I wonder if I can really write something that can keep readers coming back day after day–which is totally missing the point.  This blog is a way for me to write, to get my creativity going, and to help me overcome this beast that is depression.  If other’s find it helpful or entertaining, than that’s a bonus.  Or it should be.

Logically, I know that my self-worth is all about how I see myself and how God sees me.  At the end of the day, as long as I know I’ve done everything I can to be a good person, and I’m square with the Lord, then it doesn’t matter what other people think of me.

I know that.  I feel like I’ve always known that. At least in my head.

I don’t know how to convince my heart.

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