You’d think I’d be good at apologizing by now, I’ve had lots of practice
I’ve spent the last 18 hours battling the natural (wo)man. And not the good “You make me feel like a nat-ur-al-woman” natural woman, but the natural (wo)man King Benjamin talks about:
“For the natural (wo)man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless (s)he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural (wo)man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon (her), even as a child doth submit to (her) father.” Mosiah 3:19
I posted on Easter Sunday some pretty harsh things about my extended family. Upon reading that post, my mom rightly criticized me. At first, I was outraged–this is my blog, and those were my feelings–surely I have a right to post whatever I want?!
Well, yes I do, but, as Bishop Keith McMullin, the Second Counselor in the Presiding Bishopric reminded us in the Sunday Morning session of General Conference, (the text won’t be up until Thursday, but you can find an audio version of the talk here) it is my duty to act as a Christian, and this duty isn’t just doing what is legal, but doing what is virtuous.
So, here’s the thing. And I don’t offer this as a way of excuse, but as a way of explanation.
I’ve spent a lifetime believing, no, knowing, that my thoughts, opinions, feelings and ideas were less important than those of everyone else around me. It always struck me as strange when someone would follow my advice, or use my idea for, say, where to go to eat or how to do something. It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve learned to recognized that I am just as valid a human being as anyone else, and this blog has help bolster that opinion–not only are there people out there who are interested in what I have to say, but they are interested enough to come back day after day.
With this new-found sense of self-entitlement, I examined the feelings of anger that I had over Easter Weekend. Were they valid? Yes they were. Would what I had to say hurt feelings? Probably, but this is my blog, and my feelings, and I don’t see any need to censor myself, my thought and feelings to spare the feelings of someone who may or may not even read my words.
It only took a little bit of thought to realize that I should, though. Censoring oneself is what differentiates people you actually want to be around from the jackasses who populate the reality TV shows on networks that used to be dedicated to showing music videos.
At this point, the natural (wo)man reared her ugly head. Why should I apologize? I don’t even know if anyone’s feelings were hurt. And no one has ever apologized to me for hurting my feelings, or acted in such a way to avoid hurting my feelings.
Again, a moments thought proved myself wrong. For instance, I remember a mission companion telling me that she felt like she had to walk on eggshells around me so I wouldn’t get my feelings hurt, or wouldn’t get angry. I also remembered a half dozen instances in the past year alone where someone apologized for hurting me (I’m not saying there weren’t more, that’s just what I could remember off the top of my head.)
So, if anybody was offended by what I had to say on Sunday, I’m deeply sorry. I was wrong to share those feelings with the world. I’m just coming to grips with my temper, and Angry Corianne, and I’m not sure I know how to control her yet. Saying bad things about family members, the ones I should be supporting and standing behind no matter what obviously isn’t the right way.
I have family members on the other side of the family who pride themselves on being caustic and opinionated. They are not fun to be around, and, frankly, family parties are much nicer when they are not there. (I hope that this doesn’t lead to another apology post) I don’t want to be that kind of person. I want people to be uplifted and inspired because of who I am.
I feel like I failed at the party, because I spent more time hiding in my room than not–Lulu was acting as the official ambassador for our house. I let the natural woman overcome me, and she brought anger at myself and others, depression, and obviously took away my sense of good judgment.
So, dear family, I know better, I really do. I should be happy that you enjoyed yourself, and that I could help facilitate your family gathering. I hope you’ll forgive me. I hope your still speaking to me.