Indecison

Today (or possibly yesterday) has been a very bad day.  It’s 11pm when I start writing this, and it could very well be over an hour before I finish and edit, so I’m not sure which tense to use.

The trauma of today (or possibly yesterday) is of my own making.  It’s being beaten over my head that I’m at a crossroads of my life, and I need to make a decision about which way I want to go–if I want to continue on what seems to be a futile job hunt, or if I want to go back to school.  If I go back to school, then do I want to take web design classes that will help me get a career with graphic design, or do I want to change fields?

I think I’m so scared of making a wrong decision, that I’m having a hard time making a decision at all.  I don’t what to do next.

I’ve been praying, but I’m not receiving any answers.  Everybody keeps reminding me that the best thing to do is to make a decision, and then pray to find out if it’s the right one.  This is something I know very well–and I also know from first hand experience that the answer could be no.

But the first step in that process is making a decision, and I feel like none of the choices in front of me feel right enough to choose them firmly enough to pray to know if it is right.

Okay, I just confused myself with that last sentience.

So, here’s the thing; I LOVE graphic design.  I love drawing, I love layout, I love color theory, I love seeing my ideas come to life–and best of all, I love it when other people love my work.  However, I’m not sure I have the right personality to be a successful graphic designer–I’m not motivated enough to work freelance.  And companies that hire in-house designers just aren’t looking for print designers now.

I feel like if I change fields, than that would mean that I wasted my parent’s money going to a very expensive school just so I could learn a new toy to play with, and I’m terrified that if I go back to become, say, a pharmacy technician, it’d amount to the same thing–a waste of time and money to discover that I’m not good to make money in that field, either.

I’m making myself cry.  This is the whole reason I waited until 11pm to write todays post.

Anyway, moving on.

PipersGirls, is the blog for Piper’s Quilts, a quilt shop in Salt Lake City.  I want to go and check them out someday…(sis, I’m passing this information on to you.  Someday, when I’m up visiting, we’re going to have to go there.) Anyway, the girls behind Piper’s Girls have a tag “I’m Lucky Because” that they use occasionally–the most recent being last week.

I’m having a hard time coming up with reasons why I’m lucky–even though I know I am, so I decided to make a list of things that I’m grateful for.

Bear with me, please, this might get a little sappy.

I’m grateful for my wonderful family.  I know that they want what’s best for me, and are willing to do anything to help me, if I only bend my pride enough to ask.

I’m grateful for friends who remain true–and who care about me.  On that note, I’m so glad that Rose stopped by to see how I was doing yesterday.  You don’t know what that means to me.

I’m grateful for Max and Lulu.  I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them.  They love me unconditionally, and get me dressed and out of the house every single day.  They’re always there for me.

I’m grateful for nature, and the little bit of wildlife around my house.  I’m grateful for the song sparrows, and woodpeckers and even the variable calls of the starlings.

I’m grateful for flowers, and that I can grow at least a few things on my patio.  I’m grateful that pansies are practically impossible to kill as long as the weather is cool–my pansies were completely wilted, laying down, dead-looking when I got back from my sister’s house.  One good, deep watering later, though, and they perked right back up.

As much as I moan about living in Utah county, I’m grateful to live where I do.  I love the desert, I love the subtle beauty of the Great Basin, and the way that plants and animals have evolved to not only survive, but thrive in such difficult conditions.  My favorite memories are of spending time with family exploring the desert.

I could go on, but the transition between emo and sappiness is a bit much, even for me.

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