Control Issues

I woke up this morning before six, thanks to a combination of a full bladder, and a little dog who also had a full bladder.   Our respective problems resolved, I was then faced with the quandary of not being able to go back to sleep.  Which would be less annoying if I had made it to bed before 2am.

While out with the dogs, I found myself thinking about the conversation I had with my Relief Society President on Sunday.  Her whole purpose in visiting was to make sure I was still alive, and to talk to me about why I haven’t been coming to church.

I explained about the agoraphobia, and how overwhelmed I get in crowds.  She was sympathetic, and asked if smaller gatherings would be better.  I then had to explain that I’m also introverted, and while I love stuff like giving talks and speeches, and teaching, I struggle with conversation because I can’t plan out what it is that I want to say.

This conversation, and the Montaigne that kept me up ’til 2 last night were tumbling through my head while I was out with the dogs, and I had a revelation.   More than anything, it’s about control.  There is so much in my life (like everything) that I feel like I don’t control now, that I grasp on to whatever I can dictate for myself, like if I want to have a conversation or not.  That control is why I write.  It’s why I play games like The Sims.  It’s why when I know my favorite shows on Hulu are coming to an end, I don’t watch the last few episodes.  It’s not that I don’t want closure, it’s that I want the control to end things on my terms.

And I’m petty and self-destructive enough that if I feel like I don’t have the control I crave, I’ll end things prematurely, or drag them out over too long a period.

Maybe that’s normal, I don’t know.  I feel like I’m so far away from normal, I’ve forgotten what it looks like–if I ever knew.

All I know is I need something I can control.  Anything.

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