Okay, first the random, administrative stuff. I don’t get tons of comments, but it kind of freaks me out when I see my picture next to a comment my mom made. So, until I can get back down to my parent’s house, and tell their computer to log me out of every web browser, I’m turning off the avatars in the comments.
I know, you’re all crushed. But it shouldn’t be for more than a week.
I guess I didn’t know how stressed these last two weeks had made me until this afternoon (er, yesterday afternoon. I missed the midnight cut off to have this post on the 25th). The Roommate had invited a bunch of friends over for dinner. She did invite me to join them, but I was feeling a bit shaky from…everything.
So, you know how I don’t handle crowds? Well, I found out today that it’s even worse when they’re all speaking a language I don’t understand. I slipped out under the guise of taking the dogs for a walk, and headed up to Sis’s house to pick up some things that I managed to leave their last night. Notably, my camera and my sanity.
I don’t know what I’d do without her. Things were hectic when I got there–they had some family friends over–again, lots of kids running around, but after the company left, and after her kids went to bed, she and I had a good long talk, and she managed to calm me down, and ease some of my anxiety.
I really hope that when school starts, and I get into a routine, that life will get easier. I don’t handle change well, and right now, I’m such a stage of flux. And the last two weeks have been…emotionally difficult.
As horrible as depression is all around, I think the worst thing it does is make me doubt myself. Even things that I know I can do well, I doubt my ability in. I see the mistakes I make, but not the triumphs. Depression sucks every bit of self confidence I have out, until I’m so convinced I’m going to fail, that I don’t even try. And I guess that’s why I have a hard time telling my family “no”, because when I get into those bad ruts, they, especially Sis, are the ones that pull me out. Sometimes, kicking and screaming, but no matter how I fight, thus far, it’s always turned out for the better.
Next time, though, you never know…