I wish I could say that the lateness in today’s post is because I was off doing something amazingly fun, but alas, that isn’t the case.
Yesterday, I went to my sister’s house to help her get ready for the third (and hopefully last) birthday party that G has had this year. Unfortunately, I felt like I was more of a hinder than a help.
Halfway through a frustrating task that should have been very simple, I felt a panic attack coming on. I excused myself, and tried to go outside–which of course is G’s favorite place to be, as long as he has an audience. And look! Aunt Cori trying to keep her sanity is a perfect audience!
All of my instincts were screaming at me to get home–right during rush hour. Sis, wisely, didn’t let me leave. She explained to G that I was going into time out, and couldn’t be bothered, and had me go into her guest bedroom, and try to relax.
I made it home safely–it’s a good thing I like to drive, and don’t mind traffic if I’m not in a hurry, but today…well, it’s been rough.
I had found a gift card for a local movie theater in my wallet that I’d had for three years. On the back, it said it didn’t expire, and the website verified that I still had the original $25 on it. I tried to make it to a movie, but couldn’t make it out of my parking lot. I then thought that maybe I could go to the aquarium–I like the aquarium, and it might be nice to be able to take my time. Yeah, the realization that it was Saturday, and would thus be full of kid stopped me.
I’m worried about what’s going to happen when school starts in a couple of weeks. I can’t go to school if I’m so agoraphobic.
At the moment, I’m only registered for three classes, and one of them is online–I am wait-listed for two more classes, I’m number 1 on the wait-list for one class, so I’ll probably get in to it, and number 24 on the other, so I have a little less hope for getting in to that one. I guess that starting slow might just be the best thing, easing myself, and the dogs, into the idea of being out of the house for long periods of time on a nearly daily basis.
Speaking of the dogs–I’m not the only one at my house suffering from severe anxiety. Lulu’s been pretty stressed, and therefore clingy with all the thunderstorms we’ve been having, and she’s really not used to me going out without her. When I was trying to make it to the movie theater, I was fighting to even get down to my car, and I could hear Lulu scratching at the door and barking, because I had the nerve to go outside without her.
One of the classes that I’m taking is yoga–I’m going to try to take a PE class every semester. I might as well use this going back to school thing to get in better shape, right? I hope that a) I’m not too fat to do yoga, and b) that it will help me learn to control my anxiety.
I did decide that I need to spend more time outdoors, even if it’s just on my balcony. Sitting on my balcony, surrounded by my potted plants (in various stages of life, I’m either hit or miss with plants, they either thrive or die) without a book, without a computer, without anything to distract me (besides keeping Max from playing watchdog) is very relaxing.
I hope that when school starts, I can get into a routine, and things will calm down. Because I don’t know how much more of this I can take.