It’s been a strange, rough day.

I’m still feeling the effects of the panic attack yesterday–I was able to go out to make it to class, and to get some grocery shopping done, but besides that…

I’ve spent the day alternately crying, and hyperventilating.

This is really strange, because sleep is a giant ‘reset’ button for me, if I get a good night’s sleep (which I did, once I managed to fall asleep at about 3am) whatever I’m dealing with emotionally seems to melt away–at least, the emotional stuff that comes from inside my head.

I’m so tired of being a crazy person.  I hate the way my brain and emotions betray me.  I hate that I’m doing everything I should to make it better, and it’s not helping.  And mom, I don’t need to hear that it’s time to go back to see a therapist.  I can’t afford it, and I don’t want to make you pay for it.

Above all, I wish I could understand why, in the past three years or so, my depression has turned into more of an anxiety disorder.

And I wish I could make it go away.

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2 responses to “Aftermath”

  1. katie says :

    I’m sorry you have gone through so much! I have anxiety sometimes and it is awful! I can’t imagine having it more than I do. My little boy has it a lot and it is hard for me to remember how awful it is until I go through it and then my heart goes out to those who suffer from anxiety disorders. I hope you are feeling better. ❤
    katie b.

  2. william walllace says :

    When one only adapt in turning the senses on the material
    realm /Then one is missing in having lost the art of turning
    the senses inwards / where one ( turning senses inwards) it
    being one than having balance in life in /understanding the
    importance of the material / on its ultimate understanding
    that of turning the senses inward in fullfilling lifes purpose.

    To aid individual one needs guidance of a spiritual teacher
    at present times in the world / humanity is very blessed /in
    human form be prem rawat /prem rawat not only spiritual
    teacher // but being the teacher of teachers /// the master.

    Through the centuries THE SPIRITUAL MASTER is a term
    of great respect / hence at present such held by prem rawat.

    Through the art of meditation one removes the added layers
    of added material illusion/once more revealing the true self.

    PC search put (words of peace) as (prem rawat foundation)
    both sites having videos of prem rawat speak at depth upon
    spiritual understanding experience /in giving one guidance
    gaining ones development in meditation / revealing oneself.

    It having been a long journey for humanity in reaching such
    present stage of spiritual development / it now but turning
    the senses inward thus bring the material spiritual balance.

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