Tag Archive | anxiety

Post #43, in which our heroine discusses fog, panic attacks, and big screen TVs

Yesterday was one of the biggest days The Storyteller Chronicles has had.  I’m a little confused as to where all the visitors came from, but I’m not complaining.  I hope you enjoyed what you read, and will keep coming back to check on me.

I decided to spend a few days at my parents house.  No real reason why.  Okay, I lied.  They just bought a 55″ LCD TV, and I wanted to see it in action.  I used the guise of coming down to lend my mom a book, and to visit my grandparents, so, last night, I loaded the dogs into the car and headed down.

It’s really the drive that I wanted to talk about.  First of all, I felt like I was fighting a panic attack all the way down.  This HAS to stop.  I won’t be able to function in the suburban environment in which I live if I’m too freaked out to get into a car.  I had to pull over a couple of times, just to walk around and take a breather.  I don’t know where this came from, but it didn’t take long to get old.

Actually, yesterday could have come from the realization that the panic attacks came in the car, so I was already a little anxious before I started to drive. It’d be just like me to work myself into a panic attack because I’m anxious that I might have a panic attack.

I found myself focusing on small things to help myself calm down (Je suis grande pamplemousse.  I think that’s going to be my French catch phrase from now on.) For instance, I discovered that the cement plant is almost exactly half way between my parent’s house and the 7-11 in Nephi. (I reset my tripomiter every time I fill up my car, mostly because I don’t trust my gas gage–my car is 14 years old, and the plastic bits keep falling off.  I noticed the tripomiter said 25.5 when I was passing the cement plant, then it said 51.1 when  I got to my folks house.) It’s a darn good thing that I didn’t meet a deer.

I feel like I need to mention that I’m a good driver.  I haven’t had a ticket in over 3 years, or an accident (either my fault or someone else’s) in over 5. I did total a car once, but that was gosh–10 years ago now.  That makes me feel old.  I have confidence in my own driving.  When I’m not freaking out over nothing, anyway.

I did, however, get treated to what is perhaps my favorite weather phenomenon while driving through Dog Valley.  It’s when it’s foggy, but the fog is sitting above the ground, just above the roof of the car. When I reached that point in the fog bank, it had the added benefit of being thicker in some places and thinner in others, so it was a little like driving through the Northern Lights.

You know, without the pretty colors and having to deal with deadly plasma bursts.

I might have to see if I can talk my dad into taking a drive with me, just to help me get over this anxiety.  Because, I know me, and until I’m over this thing, driving in a car is going to be hell.

It’s 2am and I can’t sleep. Might as well update the blog.

The anxiety that I posted about yesterday is still going strong, and is the primary reason I can’t sleep.  This is new–I honestly can’t remember the last time I was too worried to go to sleep.  It’d be so much better if I could figure out what I’m worried about.  I guess this is how E feels all the time.

When I separate the soul-crushing anxiety out of things, 2 am on a weeknight is incredibly peaceful.  All is quiet and still.  There is no traffic or outside noise (except the sound of my downstairs neighbor snoring).   I’d be stargazing, except for a) it’s overcast, b) light pollution and c) LASIK ruined my night vision to the point where I can’t really see the stars anymore.  It’s a time to sit back, mediate, and take in the world.

Or, you know, sleep.

I’ve had far too many 2ams recently, especially when I’m trying to keep my body on a sleep/wake schedule that won’t cause problems once I start working.  It’s getting better, but still–2am, and my body thinks it’s a great time to be wide awake.

Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way.  Perhaps I should try to find a job in, say, an observatory.  Because astronomers love being around night blind people who stink at math, and therefore physics, right?

Je suis un fou officielles

My sister has had a difficult week, so I spent the day at her house, because, you know, nothing helps with a hyperactive three-year old and a colicky infant like also having to take care of your crazy sister.  I debated kidnapping G for the day, but decided I needed to spend time with my sister.  Besides, I tried a batch of Bakerella’s cake balls, and they were getting all eaten at my house, so I needed to get rid of as many of them as possible.

While I was there, I helped Sis sort out the clothes that G and E have grown out of, and pull out some of G’s hand-me downs for E.  When we finished, and she was boxing up the newborn clothes, she said “Je suis grande maintenant.”  A quick note–my sister took French in middle and high school–I chose to use the discretionary language credits taking creative writing classes.  I did pick up a little French on my mission in Canada–a very little, mostly what was on packages in the grocery store.  Basically the names of fruit.

My sister, after showing of her bi-linguality, asked if I understood what she said.  I admitted that I didn’t. She told me it meant “I am big now.”  I joked that if she had thrown a fruit in there, I would have understood–“Je suis grande pamplemousse.”  I then had to admit that I couldn’t remember exactly what fruit pamplemousse is.  I had to ask Google, which then became difficult because I stink at spelling in English.  Spelling in French is nigh on impossible.

Anyway, I’ve spent today basically fighting panic attacks.  Strangely, I’ve felt them coming on when I’ve been in the car–first going up to my sister’s house, then when we were leaving Chick-fil-a where we went for lunch, then on the way home. This was odd–I love to drive.  I do have a hard time if I don’t have an exit route–like if I’m in a car with someone I don’t know very well or don’t trust behind the wheel, but my sister doesn’t fit either of those criteria.  And when I am in the car by myself, or when I’m driving someone else, I’m usually okay.

Long story short, on the way home, I found myself practicing saying “I am a big grapefruit” in French in an effort to calm myself down.

For those of you wondering, my header means “I am an official crazy person”, at least that’s what I typed into translate.reference.com.  When I switched it around, it came back “I am a crazy official”, which would be more àpropos is I had a job…

If either of my readers know how to more appropriately say “I am an official crazy person” in French, and would care to share it with me in the comments, I would be most appreciative. If you also happen to live within walking distance, I’ll even share the cake balls.

Fullfilling an obligation

I’ve been staring at the “add new post” link for most of the morning.  I’ve made a few false starts, but I’m having a hard time coming up with anything to blog about today.  I’d skip it, but I skipped Wednesday’s and Friday’s posts, and that would start me down a dangerous precedent.  I started this blog to help me write every day, dammit.

I suppose this is the beast rearing its ugly head.  I didn’t make it to church today because I was feeling the pre-panic attack anxiousness.  And while panic attacks suck any time, panic attacks at church are the worst.  Still, there’s that part of me yelling that I would have felt better if I had made an effort to go.  I don’t know.  It’s been too long since I’ve been to church in my own ward, and I’ve even blown off my teaching calling as the depression strengthened over the holidays and the days got shorter and colder.

Is that too emo-y and whiny?   Seriously, let me know.  I don’t think I’m going to answer the door if anyone comes by today, but you can still ambush me in the parking lot to kick me if needed.

I’m gonna blame it all on E.  That kid’s only 2 months old, so he can’t protest, right?

Actually, he can, and does.  Who would think that being around a colicky baby would get my biological clock going in high gear?

%d bloggers like this: